Journal
by The Phoenixes Fire
Summary: I've been thinking about them more often. I blame this accursed journal


Journal

Anger. Rage. Hurt. Sad. Happy. Mad…

…Regret?

Now that is something…interesting. Ever feel Regret? Like when some one told you not to do something but you do it anyway? Imagine that ten times over. Got it? Now you know how I felt. Now you know of the Regret I felt. I didn't show it…

No one saw it. I was the only one who felt it. Nothing made it go away. None could take it away. I've been stuck with that feeling for so long that I can't even remember what feeling happy feels like anymore.

No emotions. Anger. Rage. Hurt. Sad. Happy. Mad…

Guilt maybe…

They all just figured that I was just emotionless. I hardly ever show emotion. I get mad sometimes. But the rest…their gone.

I wonder sometimes what it would have been like if I chose a different path. Would someone else be feeling all this?

Sometimes it feels like a horrible dream. I sometimes find myself hoping to wake up. To feel again. All those emotions feel lost forever. Like they're never coming back. In reality they are never coming back.

When that day passed I found that they had taken my emotions with them. Wonder if they knew what was coming? I don't think I saw what was coming…the unavoidable destruction that would follow.

Going out to fight day after day…it doesn't bother me. I do what is asked. Try to accomplish it. Then come home…

…This isn't home. Home has love. This place only has Death, Hate, and more inner destruction…

Home is…like the Condor in some ways. Those kids don't know how lucky they are. The Condor…when you think of it you think of…Love. Warmth. Friendship…

Emotions that I clearly do not have. Those kids don't know what the real world is. They don't know the extremities of Regret. Of Hate…of Death!

They all think they're invincible. That it's impossible for any of them to die. Well I hate to be the bringer of bad news but…it's only a matter of time before one of them bites it.

…It's only a matter of time.

Don't ask me how. Just remember that's life. It isn't fair. It plays by its own rules. You think its going one way, but are thrown off when it decides to go the other. Get used to it.

Xxx

I've been thinking about them more often…

I blame this accursed journal. I find that I can't avoid writing in it for to long…and apparently a week is to long.

When a week went by and I hadn't written in it for a while, I found that I couldn't fall asleep. I was awake all night. I didn't drift off. I didn't fall asleep from exhaustion. I stayed awake all night.

I can't even remember where this thing came from…just found it one day and couldn't put it down. The first time ink has ever met one of its pages is when…when I first lost…

When I finally lost that first battle, I vented through this journal…

All I know is that…something's familiar about it. It came from someone I knew. But for the life of me I can't remember whom! I can't remember when…

It feels like its always just been here…

Xxx

I'm alive yet I feel like I'm dead…

This place doesn't help…the sky is forever painted red. Lightning flashes day and night. The sun and the moon…when you live here you actually forget that they're real.

Screams echo from the torture chambers. They fill the nights silence… I have a feeling that…everything's going to change. Something is going to throw everything out of order. And something that is amazingly scaring me is…I think its me.

I think that I'm going to lead to change. Because something has occurred to me these past few days.

…This is no place to try and live my life…

xxx

I can't believe this. I cannot believe what I did.

What I did…well I just…left…

I just left the place that I have lived in the last who knows how many years...more people then I thought followed me. We escaped into the night. Camped a long ways from where we left and now…were wondering if we just made the biggest mistake in our lives.

Some believe were going to be accepted right away. Hate to break it to them but were probably going to be killed on the spot. It worries some. But not me…

I…just have this weird feeling. Something's going to happen…something's going to change…that something is…us Saving the Atmos…us warning all of what is to come…

Cyclonis…she's mad. When her first plan failed…well I believe that is when she truly lost it. I feel…sorry for her. She's only fourteen…never had a friend…never had anything except rage. The undying rage that provoked her into creating another storm engine…

The only difference is this one is bigger. It will do far more damage then the first…

I tried to talk her out of it. Tried to tell her that it wasn't to late for her to change. Tried to convince her to come with us…she nearly took of my head when she spun around with her staff…

If it hadn't been for Ravess warning me at the last second…well lets just say that I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be writing in this journal…I would be nothing but a bittersweet end.

Xxx

In reality I can't believe that we actually won…

We defeated Cyclonis…saved the Atmos…and believe it or not we have actually been accepted. When all of Atmos heard of the new storm engine they were thrown into a chaotic panic.

The council didn't believe us…

You're never going to believe who persuaded them into believing what we said…who convinced them that we weren't lying.

Aerrow…he told them that we deserved a second chance. That even though we had been their enemies for so long…they had to believe us. That we had to join together…or fall together against this new threat.

…Why did he do it? All I have ever tried to do is make his life as miserable as possible yet…he believed. He convinced the council…he convinced everyone…

They all eventually came to trust us. They all helped…

Though some still don't trust us…can't blame them really. Before this all happened if one of them said that they were going to join us…well I wouldn't trust them in the slightest.

…A lot has changed in the past few months. I got married…yes to Ravess. Stop mocking me. Unless you want to end up like Snipe that is. He got a black eye and a nasty bump on his head.

The black eye came from me and the bump came from Ravess's bow. Never get her mad unless you want to feel her wrath.

I've changed quite a lot…not as quick to anger as I used to be. I'm not as aggressive as I used to be either.

Life is moving by at a normally quick speed. You never really see how fast life moves until you stop.

There are a few things that I'm still confused about…unexplainable things.

Why did Aerrow defend us…why did Cyclonis not change like the rest of us…why did I ever cross that line?

Never should I have crossed that line. That was the day that my life fell apart…though I can't say that only bad things happened because I did. Yes what I did was horrible and I admit that. But…if I hadn't. How would I have ever met Ravess? How would I have ever known and warned the Atmos about the new Storm Engine? How would I have ever seen the world in a different light? All of that got me thinking and I finally remembered where I got this journal…a friend. A very dear friend gave it to me the night of my betrayal.

I remembered him walking in my room, giving me that crooked smile of his. The very smile that his nephew inherited.

"Here." He had simply said as he handed me the black journal.

"Why are you giving me this?"

"Because…it's the only way I can make sure you get knocked on the right path."

"Huh?"

I watched him walk out of my room, wondering what in the world he could have possibly meant. There was no way he could have known…or did he. Nothings impossible. I've come to accept that over the past few years.

I remember the last thing I said to him before he walked all the way out of my room.

"Yeah when am I ever going to write in this thing?"

He turned around and gave me that look. "Samu-

I held up a hand cutting him off. "Fine, I promise that I will write in it every now and then. I won't let a week go by without writing in it. Happy?"

He gave me another crooked grin before nodding and leaving.

…Why at the very beginning of this journal did I think my emotions were never coming back? I said they were gone and that they took them that day…

…When Aerrow defended us…that's when they came back. That's when I was pulled out of the darkness. That is the very day that I finally felt happy.

…I don't know the answer's to does questions listed up there…but I do know one thing…

Who I am Hates who I've been.

Xxx

The Dark Ace (or the now known Samuel) stared at the bottom of the last page. At those last words. A few minutes passed before he closed the journal and put it back on the bookshelf.

He sighed heavily. It seemed like it had been so long ago. So long ago that he had a negative outlook at the world. It was kind of hard to believe what was in this old journal.

"Daddy are you okay?"

Samuel looked up to see his seven-year-old daughter standing there, staring at him with a concerned expression plastered on her face. She quickly walked into the room not waiting for a response and jumped up on his lap. Once she got comfortable she directed her golden eyes up at him.

"How do you do it?" He mumbled under his breath. She always knew when something was wrong and she always figured out how to make him feel better. Though to tell the truth just having her with him made him feel better.

"So are you aright?" she asked again.

He smiled down at her. "I am now." Was all he said as he brushed some of her raven-black hair out of her face.

"Good…um daddy will you come help me get Splinter down?" She asked looking away guiltily.

"Splinter? Where is he? Last I saw him he was sleeping in the living room."

"Well I kind of tried to get him to sit on your skimmer with me…but he got scared and ran up the tree, sorry."

Samuel looked out the window at the tree that grew right next to the house. Sure enough Splinter was gripping a branch for dear life.

He snickered as he reached out for the little blue and green sky monkey who gratefully climbed on his arm. He looked down at his daughter's guilty face and smiled. He was about her age when he learned…

"Kiera do you want to start learning how to fly?"

Her little face lit up in excitement. "Really daddy?"

"Yes really." He said as he put stood up and took hold of her hand as they walked out of the room.

He had a feeling that the journal wouldn't bother him anymore. He didn't have time to worry about things in the past. He had to be here for his little girl and his wife. Dwelling in the past would do no good.

His little girl was growing up so fast and he didn't want to miss one moment of it.

xxx

I think it ended well. Sorry if I didn't. It was getting really hard to end. Please review I want to see what you thought.


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